Like those of any other race or ethnicity, a gay Viet must choose whether to be open with their families about their sexuality. The decision often isn't as simple as "in" or "out." Many tell some family members but not others. Some live with the stress of a double identity, adjusting personal facts depending on the circumstance. Others manage to "don't ask don't tell." Whatever the case, the emotional toll can be high. A gay Viet faces his own set of hardships in dealing with family, especially if they live with their parents in traditional homes. A gay Viet has to deal with extra parental scrutiny, night time curfews well into their 30's, and pressure to get married. An older gay Viet faces even stronger cultural pressure. Many realized their sexual identity independent of the gay pride movement of the
1980's that has empowered younger Asian Americans. In addition, Vietnamese often dismiss homosexuality as a relatively new phenomenon brought on by increased exposure to freewheeling American culture. Given these factors, the mainstream construction of "coming out" doesn't necessarily apply.
Cultural pressure is stronger in Viet Nam. At the same time, Viet Nam's gender norms can make it easier to pass as straight. In Vietnamese culture men and men, and women and women are physically very close. They can hold hands while walking and be just friends. But two people of the opposite sex can't do that. So if
two people of the same sex live together, they can be discreet about it. An older gay Viet can have a closeted life. In large part because of their more traditional
upbringing, an older Viet gay is less inclined to confront their parents with their sexuality. They say that in time there is an unspoken understanding, and even introduce their "friends" to the family. Parents don't ask and aren't told. In spite of the family difficulties, many gay Viets remain faithful to the filial values ingrained
into them since childhood. Along with the desire to assert their identities and live their lives openly, many balance consideration and love for their families.
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